One of These Things Is Not Like the Other

Recently, a friend and I were reflecting on some of our experiences at a church. She was sharing how it felt sometimes to receive unsolicited instruction, advice, and ministry from others. To her, it seemed like some people thought they knew better about God and felt responsible for reproducing their experiences in others. On the receiving end of this kind of ministry, however, it often felt judgmental.

When she said these things, my heart sank because I was the one who had invited my friend to the church she experienced these things at, causing her to doubt her relationship with God. At the same time, my heart ached because I had experienced some of the same things and even practiced this kind of ministry when I used to follow the teachings of the same church.

Over time, I realized that what we both experienced was a form of legalism. Like the Pharisees of Jesus’s day, legalists are foremost concerned with what a person knows and how they behave instead of learning to be led by God and having a relationship with him. These methods can become spiritually abusive when God's word is employed to justify other people's agendas. In this case, innocent believers may be coerced or guilted into obeying other people because they're convinced that doing so is the same as obeying God. Though subtle, it's destructive to a person's spiritual life because it can distort their perception of God with human ideas and rules, leaving them performing for people instead of living freely by faith.

I had a confrontation with legalism recently, and I'll admit it wounded me before I knew what was going on. On the phone, I told a friend how I had grown weary of programmed services at church. I told her that instead of sitting in an audience for hours, I longed to be a part of a community that spends time praying, studying the word, and in fellowship together. I also shared that despite my frustrations, I still attended services because I valued the people there. Still, I hoped one day to be a part of a different expression of church.

I’m unsure if it was because I admitted that I wasn’t attending services every Sunday or because I was tired of all the formatting, but shortly after the call, I received a text message quoting 1 John 1:7 to me: "But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another...” The rest of the text implied that I may not be walking in the light with Jesus because I had questions about how to engage with organized church in that season. A few minutes later, I received another text encouraging me to get more involved at a church so I wouldn’t become deceived, as if simply sitting in a seat at church could save me from deception. Then, she suggested what book of the Bible I should read.

Breathe, Stacie. Breathe.

Right away, I noticed that my friend's text didn't have the same effect as when I read God's word. Instead of bringing clarity, conviction, and alignment, her text felt wounding and judgmental. I've since realized that this is what happens when sometimes well-meaning people use God’s word to try and get others to comply with a certain behavior, all the while overlooking what the Holy Spirit is doing in their hearts.

What my friend didn’t realize was that when she judged my relationship with the church by her own measure of obedience, she stomped all over the delicate healing process that God was doing in my heart after years of spiritual abuse and deception in a church, the one my friend still attended. The Holy Spirit works in the hidden and unseen places of our lives, so she couldn't see that God was already leading me into fellowship with others, but orchestrating it himself. I was responding to him step by step from a place of devotion and trust, but it looked different than she expected.

My friend's text felt invasive and inflicted pain where God was healing, counteracting what his Spirit was doing in my life. The difference was legalism. When undetected, it can steal the innocence of our spiritual lives and turn the beautiful gospel into a rule manual instead of an invitation to live freely by faith in response to God's leading.

I’m not angry anymore.

Still, the conversation hurt because I felt judged by someone I love. When I realized it was legalism working behind the scenes, it was easier for me to forgive because I, too, have stumbled with it before. Still, in these situations, I've learned that I sometimes need to create boundaries to protect my heart from people who insist on their own methods when I’ve discerned it’s not from the counsel of the Lord.

Sometimes, I think people try to control or persuade others to agree with them simply to validate their own belief systems. However, that’s not what it’s like to live by the Spirit because their beliefs are subject to human judgment. Though my example is from a personal relationship, I've also heard the same kind of things at church.

I’ve heard young believers ask seasoned church leaders about how to follow God, and them respond, “Obey the word. All you need is the word.” In these situations, I held my tongue but felt so grieved, remembering what it felt like for the first 40 years of my life to love God’s word and want to obey it but feeling so helpless to do so. If all I needed was God's word, why did I keep failing at it?

Now I realize that I had a very limited understanding of the Holy Spirit, who leads, empowers, and helps me follow Jesus. Instead of trying harder or doing more, I’m learning to listen and embrace what God is doing in my life, responding to him in my heart and acting upon it. I'm nowhere near perfect, but this Spirit-led lifestyle has given me a deep appreciation for God's grace. In sharp contrast, legalism only led me into pride and self-righteousness because it was about what I could do, not what God was doing. I'm also learning to have more grace for others because now I understand that obedience to God is not a matter of conformity but devotion.

My heart longs for fellowship with other believers because I love God and want to be connected to his people and what he is doing in the world. However, the Holy Spirit has never asked me to simply check off a box and attend any church, only people have done that. Months after this interaction, the Lord indeed led my family to another church community. However, it was deeply personal, not privy to everyone else, and free, which is maybe why others sometimes feel a need to try and control it.

I wonder how many others have felt like they've been met with legalism instead of love in our churches and interactions with one another. Father, I pray that you’d open the eyes of our hearts to the difference between obedience expressed with love and all the other rules and conditions we've added to following you. Perhaps then we can truly witness what it’s like to have a relationship with you, the living God, and make more disciples than teachers of the Law.