The Evaluation

During the COVID-19 outbreak, Jesus rang an alarm in the American church and evacuated us from our buildings and programs, giving us precious time to cling to Him through the trial. In the quiet of our homes and small gatherings, He wooed His bride into deep intimacy and repentance, at times initiating medical-like healing from trauma, deception, and sickness in our hearts. The medicine He applies to our souls is His Word (Proverbs 4:20-22). When we consume it, it opens our spiritual eyes and gives us the ability to discern what is spirit and flesh. During COVID-19, Jesus unplugged the American church from pulpits and programming to minister personally to our hearts with His Word.

In November 2020, the Lord spoke to my heart and said, "A plague has infected the hearts of my people, the church. Some, without realizing it, have become bitter and sour, slandering their own and infecting others. It has been spread even from the pulpit in teachings that spread the heart of the infected man, not my own. Though this season is hard to swallow, like medicine for the soul, it has been allotted to flush out the infection. Many of my people are on the threshold of decision now. Either they will embrace the road of healing or return to their vomit (Proverbs 26:11). Pray for my people in the valley of decision. Pray they would not choose comfort above healing and wholeness. Pray they would discern the spiritual and choose what does not pass away or spoil."

YHWH is not only a jealous God; His very name is Jealous (Exodus 34:14). This righteous, beautiful jealousy is what provokes Him to take action against anything that stands in the way of humans having a relationship with Him and receiving His mercy and grace. For this reason, He is actively and presently intervening in the church's affairs like a jealous husband. God's justice is here to expose the hidden places of deception, sin, and self-righteousness where, until now, only the Holy Spirit has been a witness.

THE CUP OF JEALOUSY

In the Old Testament, the Jews relied on a legal system to address and discipline visible, external sin. However, their laws were ineffective in dealing with hidden or concealed wrongdoing. This distinction is still important because it models how we need a relationship with the Holy Spirit to convict and purify the unseen parts of our hearts and lives. When a Jewish person committed wrongdoing, the law required two or three witnesses to validate what happened. If there were no human witnesses, however, the Jews could appeal to God Himself as a witness, and this invited His judgments into the matter.

For example, if a husband suspected his wife of adultery, but there were no witnesses or proof, the husband could bring his wife to the temple and present her before the priest. In a cup, the priest would mix holy water, dust from the temple floor, and a written curse, which he washed into the water. Then, the woman's hair was let down, symbolizing the temporary removal of her husband's covering, and she was given an offering to hold in her hands that brought to remembrance her works. Finally, the woman was put under oath, and she drank the bitter water from the cup (Numbers 5:11-31).

This process was an evaluation for hidden sin that also petitioned God to intervene regarding justice and discipline. It ultimately revealed any secret or unconfessed wrongdoing and issued consequences if there was guilt. If the woman was unfaithful, the bitter water caused her to become barren. If she was pure, it would pass through her, and there would be no effect in proving her innocence.

Though this practice has been long disregarded physically, it still contains a powerful spiritual truth about how God deals with hidden or unconfessed sin. God's Spirit convicts and purifies our hearts in a relationship with Him; however, if we become blind to or deny our sin, God may test us to reveal the truth and restore us to innocence. This kind of testing and judgment is not an evaluation of our ultimate salvation, but rather, it is part of having an ongoing relationship with God. Every generation of God's people has faced their own tests and, likewise, His decisions and judgements from the test.

God loves humanity, and His ultimate purpose is for everyone to receive His free invitation of salvation and become part of His family, sharing in His eternal life. He has chosen to share this message to the world through the church. This is why He judges and deals with injustice in His church first. When the church is disobedient to God and follows after its appetites and ways, we perpetuate corruption instead of the purposes of God in the world and to others who do not know Him. Therefore, He tests and judges His church to bring our hearts back into alignment with Him so we can walk in His grace and mercy in our lives and be a true reflection of His love for humanity and creation as we live on earth.

SHE WHO CAST THE FIRST STONE

Though I didn't realize it initially, God tested me for hidden sin in 2021. He saw that my heart was infected with sin and mixed motivations, and I was spiritually blind to my condition. So He intervened, and as I embraced what He was doing, I repented, and God restored me to innocence. During the evaluation, He revealed unseen realities to me in dreams and His Word. He showed me that I was drinking from a cursed cup of self-righteousness that brought judgment into my life. Then, He tenderly showed me that if I repented, I could drink from His living water and never be thirsty again.

My awakening began one evening when I heard the Holy Spirit say in a dream, "She who cast the first stone." The next day, He pointed me to the well-known Bible story about the woman caught in adultery (John 8:3-11). The Holy Spirit casually asked me what I thought this story was about, and like a teacher's pet, I blurted out that it was about judgment. My understanding was that Jesus was telling His followers to lay down their stones and not judge other people. The Holy Spirit responded to my heart, "Oh. So you see yourself as a Pharisee in the story?" Oops.

The story about the woman caught in adultery is often taught through the lens of personal judgment. The Holy Spirit reminded me, however, that if I look at the story that way, it puts me in the shoes of a self-righteous Pharisee. Instead, the Holy Spirit reminded me that I am like the woman who was caught in adultery. I was guilty of sin and stood condemned by the law until Jesus showed me mercy and grace.

In the story, a group of Pharisees seized a woman who was caught in the act of adultery and presented her to Jesus in the temple. After reminding Him of the law, they asked Him what they should do with her. The Pharisees were furious because Jesus was breaking the Sabbath and calling God His own Father. They wanted to catch Him doing these things publicly so they could gather evidence and justify their accusations against Him.

Since the law required that two or three witnesses testify to the woman's sin, Jesus looked to the Pharisees to corroborate her guilt. He told them whoever was without sin to throw the first stone and carry out her verdict. One by one, however, the Pharisees all backed away and put down their stones. When all was said and done, no innocent witnesses were left to enact the law.

Therefore, the Holy Spirit showed me that Jesus put the applicable law for hidden sin into effect, inviting God's justice into the matter. Just as the Old Testament evaluation for hidden sin required a husband to bring his wife to the Tabernacle, so does the story of the woman caught in adultery take place in the temple. There, Jesus wrote on the ground with His finger, enacting the required dust and handwriting for the test (John 8:6).

Just prior to the Pharisees bringing the woman to Him, Jesus revealed to the Jews that He is the living water. In the case of the woman caught in adultery, Jesus Himself provided the living water, the final element required for the evaluation. His actions brought about justice that uncovered the woman's hidden sin. Yet, when the test was complete, Jesus declared that He did not condemn her (John 8:11). This was because Jesus, the bridegroom, was about to drink the cup of bitterness that belonged to His unfaithful bride.

God's justice and wrath were executed in Jesus Christ so that His bride could be exonerated from sin. On the cross, Jesus drank the entire cup of judgment Himself, bringing His bride's guilty verdict and its curse upon His own body. In an unfathomable act of mercy, Jesus, who was completely innocent, became sin for humanity so that through Him, we might become the righteousness of God.

Christ never sinned! But God treated him as a sinner, so Christ could make us acceptable to God (2 Cor 5:21).

The Holy Spirit reminded me, however, that when Christians believe or say we are without sin, we are like the "she who cast the first stone." Our righteousness is a free gift from Jesus that only exists in Him, not our own righteous works or merit. If we believe that grace qualifies us to judge others for the same things for which we've received mercy, we bear false witness to our true spiritual condition and condemn ourselves.

The Pharisees in the story all individually laid down their stones, admitting they were not in moral standing to witness against the woman caught in adultery. They knew that if they continued with their indictment, they would have been found guilty of bearing false witness. The penalty for such was to have the verdict of their accusations carried upon themselves-- or death by stoning.

The Lord revealed to me how part of the American church, including myself for a time, bears false witness against itself. This is because some have succumbed to teachings that say Christians are righteous and insusceptible to sin without regard to a relationship with Jesus and the purifying work of the Holy Spirit. God is revealing where we've been led astray so we can return to innocence and show mercy to others as we've received.

Christians are not much different from the rest of the world or less guilty of sin, only we've put our faith in Jesus, and instead of judgment, we drink from the sweetness of His living water. That is unless we make ourselves out to be self-righteous according to our own standard of judgment, in which case, we forfeit the grace He freely gives. Our refusal to examine ourselves, humbly acknowledge our sin, and repent brings trials into our lives (1 Cor 11:31-32).

Salvation and righteousness are an extravagant picture of God's generosity and love. They're not based on our own perfection but on Jesus's perfection and how His life, death, and resurrection achieved peace for us with God so we can have a relationship and life in Him. The moment we think that grace operates independently from connection, we've missed His heart for humanity.

GLORIOUS JUDGMENT

When God tested me, it revealed I was guilty of hidden sin and impure motives, and it was despite these things that He covered me with grace and blessed me in past seasons. When I admitted in my heart that I was guilty and repented, the Holy Spirit helped me walk away from sin, just as Jesus instructed the woman caught in adultery. However, God didn't spare me from the results of an impure test. As merciful as He is, He is also just, and soon after, His judgments came into my life. Like the woman tested for adultery, my works were presented before God, and He judged them for every self-seeking and impure motivation. I was aware of several areas of my character that I struggled with, which I've shared in other parts of this letter; however, they didn't seem like huge issues to me, so they lingered around and followed me into different seasons of my life. When God judged my works, however, He made it clear that He sees everything.

Over the past year, my job, personal income, place of ministry in the church, and passion projects all came to a dramatic, sudden halt. For a season, everything I built according to my own methods or looked to for validation, accomplishment, and comfort instead of having those needs met by God went up in flames. It was like God put a match up to my flesh. Despite multiple attempts to squeeze out of the discomfort, God closed every single door. This happened so many times that I eventually stopped crying and started laughing that God made it so obvious that I wasn't going anywhere, and I finally surrendered to it.

I'd like to say I handled this with grace and poise, but I was a complete mess. Though I remained obedient to God and submitted to what He was doing, my flesh suffered, and I wept bitterly over the pieces of my life that were all falling apart at once. I screamed, shouted, and I had some very honest conversations with God about what I was feeling. If I were being tested for my behavior or attitude, I would have failed miserably. Instead, I think God was watching to see if, despite my pain and suffering, I would submit to His will anyway in my heart, and allow Him to do what only He can do in my life through this type of baptism.

During this season of loneliness and loss, there were several different reactions from my closest friends. First, I discovered that several of my friends were walking through similar seasons, and they listened and encouraged me. Others, who were just as well meaning, expressed how they hoped I would find my joy again and at one time, it was suggested to me that maybe God wanted me to wait to release this book until after I was walking in my fullness, doing the things I love. In other words, to me, when I wasn't in such a state of loss. In some ways, I felt a little like Job listening to the reactions and ideas of others about my tragic situation, shocking discernment dreams, and what fullness looks like. After a while, I realized these conversations were pointing me to the very thing that God was trying to teach me and was dealing with in my heart over the past few years: my fullness.

For most of my life, I've found my fullness in my ability to perform, a great career, ministry, and my ability to earn wealth. God removed them all from my life to show me that fullness cannot be found in works, what I'm building, or my perception of success and wealth. It doesn't look like joy or happiness, or any specific emotion. My fullness has nothing to do with me, it has to do with ho Jesus is to me, and it exists just as powerfully in times of trial and tribulation as it does in favor and blessing.

Near the finish line of writing this book, my family experienced an emergency that cost us our entire savings. In the past, the injustice and unfairness of the situation would have spiraled me into deep depression and despair. This time, however, I felt God's presence and peace instead of destruction. It was only when I faced total loss in my finances that I realized that I lost something else over the past year: I lost my idol. For the first time, I chose not to worship my problem or money. Instead, I chose to worship God through my trial, and I realized that He accomplished this in my heart by taking away everything else that I put my confidence and trust in.

I'm a very private person, so it's actually difficult for me to share about my experiences in the church and what God has been doing in my life these past years. I don't feel a need to spill my guts publicly or prove myself right about the things I've written. I'm sharing these things because I feel like God gave me a preview of something He is doing at large in the church, and He wants us to be aware of it so we will not fall away when affliction and trouble come into our lives. Rather, when we follow Jesus, we're to consider it all joy when we face trials of various kinds because they test our faith and produce perseverance (James 1:2-4). This is the hour of our maturing if we will embrace it and allow it to purify us.

When God personally tested me for sin and judged my works, it wasn't to punish or condemn me. Rather, He wanted me to be free from condemnation and to love others the same way He loves me. With the help of the Holy Spirit, His grace empowered me to walk away from deception and the injustice of sin, just as Jesus instructed the woman caught in adultery. Now my life is becoming a living message of God's righteousness relayed with love rather than stones.

Through the test and even now, I've never felt closer to God. The fact that He allowed me to see what He sees spiritually so I can have a deeper relationship with Him is astounding, and I love Him for it. My life was brought into order through testing and judgment, which God used to deliver me from self-righteousness, judgment, and idolatry. Now I relate to the woman who met Jesus at the well. He read her mail and revealed her hidden sin, but she didn't feel condemned. Rather, His living water tasted so good she ran home to tell everyone she knew about Him.

When I first began to write this book, it was because God instructed me to write down what He showed me and said. It was only after hours and hours of sitting in my armchair writing it all down that I became aware of my own deliverance and how much God has done in my life through the most unlikely circumstances. For many years I believed I was alive spiritually because I could operate in a spiritual gift, but it was a dim glimmer of what God prepared for me. Only when I saw my sin and grasped how much I've been for forgiven and loved did I truly begin to experience love in my heart, and that is true life.