The Performance Trap

In a dream, I was shown a vivid picture of the shift that occurs when ministry moves from being about devotion to God to a focus on performance—a trap many leaders unknowingly fall into. I saw prominent church leaders teaching the next generation how to use their platforms for personal gain, chasing fame and recognition. In the dream, they handed them pipes and marijuana, showing the young leaders how to get 'high' from the limelight and power of their positions, using their influence for self-gratification. Though the new leaders hesitated privately, when the scene shifted to a room full of church leaders indulging in an orgy of egos, their desire for public recognition and belonging compromised their purity.

The next morning, the Lord asked me what word describes using an intimate act for self-gratification. I responded, "Pornography." The Lord showed me that the ministry He begins in intimacy with His people becomes like pornography to the heart when it’s used to self-gratify the longings of the flesh.

The pleasures of intimacy are meant for deep, covenant relationships. Yet some leadership in the American church has been lured into perversion, using spiritual intimacy for selfish motives and personal gain, while teaching the next generation to do the same. Though the church and its leaders may outwardly reject pornography, God sees the unseen places of the heart. He is urging His bride to keep the "marriage bed" pure.

STAGE PERFORMER

When my family moved to the Bay Area, we joined a smaller church within the network of our previous megachurch. After a few months, I volunteered to join the worship team. When I sang on stage for the first time, the Holy Spirit gave me a spontaneous prophetic song. For years, I had sung privately at home, and now it was happening publicly in our small congregation.

The church streamed its services on Facebook, and on the way home from Sunday nights, I enjoyed watching the playback. It was exhilarating to take risks with God during the service, and when His anointing showed up, there was nothing like it. At times, I couldn’t even remember the words that came out of my mouth.

Watching the playback soon became a habit, like stopping at In-N-Out for dinner after church. I didn’t realize it at first, but after my initial amazement at what God had done through me, I became focused on how I performed. It gave me confidence and fed my insecurities.

In the months that followed, I received more opportunities to minister at church. Each time, I watched the playback, whether in the car or at home. My family would sometimes chat and laugh on the way home, and I’d quiet them down to watch the recording. My husband confronted me once, but I was already on my way to addiction, needing more than just a gentle warning.

My insecurities were fed through the affirmation I received from ministering at church. As I was given more opportunities to serve and lead, the Holy Spirit graciously showed up. Eventually, I felt a sense of recognized authority in the church. While I knew it had little to do with me, I still struggled to handle the affection, admiration, and applause of others in my heart.

One evening, I was asked to lead the entire worship set for the service. It was an honor, something I had hoped for. However, during warm-up, several unexpected issues disrupted practice, and we didn’t get everything together until just before the service began. Then, a pastor approached and instructed me to sing for 20 minutes before pausing for an announcement, with more instructions after that.

As the service began, I noticed that leading worship required more effort than before—it didn’t flow as naturally. After we finished our planned songs, the worship pastor leaned over and asked me to lead one more. I surprised myself by shaking my head no. Someone else stepped up, and I just stood there blankly.

After finishing my assigned responsibilities for the evening, grief and sadness overwhelmed me. I couldn’t bear to stand on stage any longer. In the middle of a song, I stepped off the platform and went to the parking lot to cry. I was deeply sad but couldn’t pinpoint why.

As I prayed, I realized I hadn’t been worshiping during the service. Instead, I had performed a role in the church—singing three songs, then pausing for announcements. What had started as intimate worship in my home had become impersonal and impure on stage, following a setlist and performing for others. I’ve never watched the playback from that service. I’ve never been able to bear it.

The week before this, the Lord spoke to me about stepping down from the church I was attending. I didn’t understand why, but after that worship service, I stopped resisting. In obedience, I resigned from the worship team and every other volunteer role. Then, the Lord began the process of detoxing my heart.

God delivered me from narcissism and religious performance by teaching me humility through solitude and barrenness for a season. I needed to be weaned from the praises of men to remember that my loyalty belongs to God first, then to my husband and family.

In the months that followed, I rediscovered glimpses of myself before moving to ministry school. I regained the joy of hobbies and pleasures that had lost their luster when compared to global movements and world-changing prophetic words. My life began to center around community again instead of ministry and mission.

IN THE WORLD

Eventually, my family stopped attending the small congregation, and I realized I didn’t have friends outside the church. That was a wake-up call. I met my neighbors and discovered how much I enjoy spending time with people who don’t necessarily believe, act, or look the same as me. It was a welcome change from the addictive culture of flattery and validation I sometimes experienced in the charismatic church.

Now, I live as the Spirit of God leads me, and I realize this is the life He always intended for me. He is teaching me how to live in the world but not conform to it. I no longer feel confined, and in many ways, I feel like I’ve just begun to live my life at 40.

In the dream, God showed me how I was exposed to spiritual pornography when I stepped into a leadership position at my church. He also showed me that some of the current church leadership is not only teaching the next generation to gratify their flesh, but they’ve made an orgy of their egos.

Teachers and leaders are judged more strictly because they are responsible for caring for God's precious family. He is currently reminding the leaders in the American church of His Word in Matthew 18:6: "If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." If we, as humans, are protective of our children, just imagine how seriously God takes the responsibility of protecting and caring for His own family in the church.